“How to win friends and influence people” is written by Dale Carnegie published in 1936. It’s one of the best-selling books of all time and one of the most influential books ever written.
You may want to convince your boss that you deserve to get a raise. You may want your child or significant other to eat healthier. Or, perhaps you’re in desperate need or persuading your partner to please not apply for that fifth credit card and that you must start to take your personal finances together more seriously We all have situations in our lives where we wish that we could influence other people But one must tread lightly when trying to do this Oftentimes, it just ends up in an argument where both sides leave the discussion more convinced of their initial standpoint than ever before But there are techniques that can help you avoid this.
Two fishermen were competing in a fishing contest one of them thought: “I like strawberries and cream. So, therefore, I will bait the hook with strawberries and cream” The other one thought: I don’t really like maggots However, I think fish like maggots a lot. So, therefore, I will bait the hook with maggots Who do you think won the competition? It is necessary to “bait the hook to suit the fish”, and the same principle applies to people as well The only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it.
1: Arouse in the other person an eager want
If you would like to convince your boss that you should get a raise, it is quite useless to state your own reasons for wanting this Instead, show and tell why it would be in the best interest of your boss for you to have a higher salary Or, let’s take the example of convincing your kid that he should eat healthier foods Again, there’s no point in starting your own reasons for wanting him to do so Instead, show and tell why it would be beneficial from his perspective And when trying to persuade your spouse that it would be beneficial if you were to save and invest more the same rule applies Whatever your motives are, he or she is probably not so interested in them Instead, ask yourself: How can I make this person want to do it? Start to see things from other people’s perspective, and you’ve come a long way towards being more influential. Try to think of a want that you can arouse in the other person that is also aligned with your want whether the situation is related to work, a relationship or perhaps a friendship, that doesn’t really matter, just try to apply it and you will remember the advice more easily Do that now.
2: Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
If you want to improve a person in a certain characteristic act as if he already possesses this characteristic There’s a saying that if you give a dog a bad name you may as well hang him But try to give him a good name and see what happens Let’s return to our examples If you want your spouse to save and invest more, instead of criticizing and complaining about his or her irresponsible behaviour around money, try to encourage and find situations in which the person already possesses the qualities you are looking for Emphasize these, and perhaps you should also give up responsibility in certain areas regarding your personal finances and show that you entrust the other person with this Most likely, they will try their best to not let you down In which one of the following situations do you think that person A is more likely to convince person B to her way of thinking?
Situation 1: What? Investing money? That doesn’t sound too fun. Nah, I think I’m going to buy myself that suit we saw the other day. We still have two hundred dollars left from this month’s salary anyways! Oh you really hopeless when it comes to money! It’s so obvious that I’m the only one in this household with a degree in economics! I tell you, if we keep spending like this, we will have to work forever. You know, what? No, I decide that we will take this money and we will put it in the stock market
Situation 2: What? Investing money? That doesn’t sound too fun. Nah, I think I’m going to buy myself that suit we saw the other day. We still have two hundred dollars left from this month’s salary anyways You would look so good in that suit, darling You think? Thanks, babe! Do you remember when we met that 40-year old couple during our last trip to Sweden, the ones who had retired already? Yeah, I remember them, why? You and I said that it would be wonderful to have the same kind of freedom as they had at such a young age Yea, hmm, I was quite jealous actually when they talked about how much time they have to spend with their kids. Didn’t they say that it all started when they decided to invest $100 every month and put that money in the stock market? The situation in which there’s a higher probability to convince person B is of course in situation two.
3: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
This is how an argument often ends: Even if you win it and convince the other person that he is wrong (which may prove to be difficult), pride will make it tough for the other person to back down Instead, what you want to do is to agree on the points in the other person’s argument that you resemble with Then, after you’ve left the subject, you move on to talk about your point of view and the pros that are associated with that There’s a bonus takeaway on how to influence people hidden in conversation two, by the way, Comment down below if you can find it. Also, I will present it at the end of this video Have you ever thought about why every single infomercial looks like this? It is because it’s not enough to merely state the truth – the truth must also be vivid interesting and dramatic.
4: Dramatize your ideas returning to our examples again.
If you want your kids to eat healthier, don’t just tell them that they’ll become stronger and they’ll be able to beat up the bullies Show them a few role models to dramatize your ideas. For example, perhaps you can watch Popeye together Now I’ve almost made it look like this book is all about influencing people, but it’s actually about “how to win friends” and influence people So here comes the fifth takeaway from Dale Carnegie: Three ways to make people like you – Show a genuine interest People are not interested in you and they are not interested in me either They are interested in themselves, morning, noon and after dinner, A person’s toothache means more to him than a war in a foreign country that kills thousands of people Remember that the next time you start a conversation – Be a good listener Talking in terms of the other person’s interests and make that person feel important to Do this, and if you do this sincerely, you’ll win more friends in two months than you do in a lifetime of trying to show people how important you yourself are – Smile Why do you think that the dog is the world’s number one friend’s winner? It’s because they’re just so sincerely happy to see us and they show this not through words but through actions. Actions speak louder than words and when you give another person a smile, it says: “I like you, you make me happy. I am glad to see you” Who doesn’t like a person who always shows that? The effect of smiling is powerful even when it is unseen, and can therefore be used in other situations than when meeting face-to-face as well Such as during a phone call – Remember names A person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important word in any language Remember this the next time you’re introduced to someone that you’d want to become friends with Repeat their name during your initial conversation. And if it’s a difficult one, ask how it’s spelt this advice is extra effective if the person has a foreign name and that’s it from Dale Carnegie’s How to win friends and influence people. Let’s have a quick recap There’s only one way to make anyone do anything and that is by making them want to do it Act as if the person is already in possession of the characteristic that you want to improve Avoid arguments, it will just cement the current beliefs of the other person Show your ideas in a vivid, interesting and dramatic way Make a great first impression by showing a genuine interest, smiling and remembering a person’s name
Main key points to remember – from “How to win friends & influence people” :
- Always talk about other people interest and what they want.
- Give a genuine compliment
- Give honest and sincere appreciation.
- Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain
- Be a good listener in terms of the other person’s interests and make that person feel important
- The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
- Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
- Arouse in the other person an eager want
- Become genuinely interested in other people.
- Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
- Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
- Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
- Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”
- Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.